Susan’s Shit Sunglasses by Lucy Goggles was released in 2014 by the now-liquidated publishing company Raybans Publications.

The book failed to garner any success upon its release. Since its release as an eBook on Amazon four years ago, it has again failed to spark any interest, with only four downloads and one review, which simply read “confused”.

BLURB

Susan had one dream in life: to look effortlessly cool.

As everyone knows, a good pair of sunglasses can make anyone look 17% cooler. She thought she’d found the perfect pair of sunglasses by a company online called “Visibility Optional.”

When sunglasses arrive in the post, she quickly discovers they don’t look like other glasses. They seem more like a piece of thick cloth.

Nevertheless, Susan is desperate to look cool.

At first, Susan chalks up her sudden inability to navigate the world to an adjustment period. But after accidentally bumping into twenty-three tables, mistakenly identifying her TV remote for a Snickers bar,

Determined not to admit defeat or, worse, return the glasses, Susan doubles down, convincing herself that true trendsetters suffer for their style.

But as Susan fumbles through life, she begins to see things in a different light and how quickly she can learn not to touch inanimate objects that are scolding hot.

With a cast of two-dimensional characters—including an overly supportive and deaf best friend and a very unhelpful dog that is in heat—Susan’s Shit Sunglasses is a life-affirming tale about friendship, the importance of sturdy shinpads and how perseverance can sometimes be a sign of stupidity.

Keep scrolling to read an exclusive extract.

Susan stepped out of her house, her sunglasses perched on her nose. She couldn’t shake the feeling that her so-called sunglasses were just a piece of thick cloth. But the online ad clearly said they were new and revolutionary sunglasses, and why would she doubt an online ad? They’re always honest!

Susan closed her front door, turning the key in the lock.

A nearby pigeon cooed, and Susan assumed it was admiring her new look.

She took a confident step forward.

Her toe met something solid. The bin. She winced, shook it off, and tried again. Another step. This time, it was her shin. The garden bench by her door.

Susan paused. “Okay, just a minor learning curve. No big deal.”

She extended her arms like a zombie, taking cautious baby steps. She again whacked her shin into the garden bench.

Susan took one small sideways step. She stepped forward again and as, like her previous step, caught the garden bench with her now already sore shin.

Unbeknownst to Susan, a huge gash had opened up on her shin, and blood was beginning to run down her leg and into her shoe.

Susan quickly decided that crawling might be a good idea, at least until her eyes acclimatised to her new vision. She slowly dragged her body along the floor, inching her way ever closer to her car and safety.

She seemed to be crawling for quite a while. Surely, she was almost at her car, parked on the road in front of her house, she thought. Her left hand brushed something—soft, warm, and definitely not an inanimate object.

Whatever it was, it stuck to her hand as she moved it towards her face. As her hand moved within a few centimetres of her face, she could smell it.

Urgh, pretty sure that’s poo, she thought.

She could hear low voices near her. “Are you ok, Susan?” someone asked.

“Fine. Fine, thanks”, replied Susan, “Who is that?”

“It’s Fran, your neighbour”, came back the voice.

“Oh, hi Fran,” Susan replied as she smiled in the direction she felt Fran’s voice coming from. “It’s another beautiful sunny day.”

“Do you need any help?” asked Fran.

“No, no. I’m fine, just getting used to my new sunglasses”, said Susan as she felt her hand land on what was, judging by the consistency, another piece of dog poo.

“Oh…” replied Fran.

“Don’t they look cool?” said Fran as she wiped whatever was on her hand onto the back of her skirt.