How To Say Cauliflower In Greek For Beginners was released in 2006 by Laurence Broccoli and, at the last count, has sold four copies.

The likeliest reason for such low sales is that most people find it of no use. Another theory is that there is very little need to learn how to say cauliflower in Greek at any point, even in Greece.

The final theory as to why How To Say Cauliflower In Greek For Beginners has sold so few copies is that the book’s entire premise is utterly mental.

Laurence Broccoli was soon removed from his position at Oxford University shortly after the book’s release.

SYNOPSIS

From Professor of Linguists Laurence Broccoli (‘Learn How To Say Yeast In Spanish’) comes this new incredible book for anybody on the first step of learning one of humanity’s oldest languages.

Professor Lawrence Broccoli provides an easy-to-follow guide on the correct pronunciation of cauliflower, one of nature’s whitest vegetables, and the many scenarios in which we may need to be able to say it.

Beginning by taking an in-depth look at the history of one of the oldest known languages in the world and its influence on other dialects from Latin to Liverpudlian, the book moves through the various Greek spellings and pronunciations of cauliflower from its early incantations such as the word Kraps to the 8th century when cauliflower was simply called Gtgurtisosiosuopdsavosgugkviisiiiikuo.

The book then gives an in-depth guide to each individual letter of the modern word for Cauliflower in Greek (kounoupídi).

Then, over the course of 15 chapters covering 896 pages, helps you build up your confidence to ask for cauliflower in various scenarios, from being in a Greek restaurant, a shop and even a scenario that imagines you requiring a doctor to remove it from your anus after a particularly vigorous sex game that got entirely out of hand.

So, if you are thinking of taking a working holiday to a cauliflower farm in Greece, showing off your newfound knowledge at a Greek restaurant on that date with a partner you are trying to impress or if you are currently in Greece and have accidentally got a cauliflower up your anus due to a rather vigorous sex game, then this is the book for you!

Professor Laurence Broccoli MLang, MHist, PHD, COCK, JIZZ, ARSE, is a former head of the Faculty of Medieval and Modern Languages at Oxford.