Urine Scented Breath by Susan Mince, published in hardback in 2003, was Rancid Publishing’s first and ultimately final book. 

Of the original ten thousand copies printed, only five were sold before being pulped. Four of those five copies sold were burnt by the people who purchased them.

The book was released as an eBook in 2019 and has yet to have a single sale. 

Susan Mince is currently working on her fifth novel, My Underpants Were Brown When I Bought Them, Honest!

SYNOPSIS

From Susan Mince, the author of ‘What’s For Supper, Gerald?’ and ‘Two Cheese And Onion Pasties For £6.50???!’ ‘Urine Scented Breath’ is a heart-pounding tale of overcoming obstacles and having to floss on a daily basis.

Sarah Burrito is young, ambitious, beautiful, and driven. She has a wonderful boyfriend, a great job as a footmodel and can spell over one hundred and ninety words without help. All was perfect until one fateful day she awoke with breath that can only be described as smelling like piss.

Why was this happening? Was it something she ate? Was it the onion bhaji she found in the bin at the train station two nights ago while out partying with her girlfriends?

Or was it because she liked to drink the water out of the toilet on her hands and knees like a dog at night when thirsty, as the bathroom is closer to her bedroom than the kitchen is? Had she drunk piss without realising? Or is it simply because she doesn’t brush her teeth due to a fear of the bristles on the tip of toothbrushes?

With her boyfriend gone due to constantly heaving whenever near her, and her foot modelling career in tatters due to every photographer in New York also constantly heaving whenever on a shoot, Susan is left with a stark choice – Keep making people around her vomit due to her breath or try to do something about it.

It’s a decision that could change her life. After agonising over what to do for several seconds, she eventually decides to try and do something about it.

Unfortunately, every dental hygienist in the entire North and South American continents refuses to be in the same room as her for longer than thirty seconds due to her urine breath. Sarah begins to wonder if she will ever be cured.

Full of heart-wrenching emotion, a funny recurring bit to lighten the mood with the neighbour’s cat constantly fainting due to coming into contact with Sarah’s piss breath, a sex scene which in hindsight is entirely without context but has been added for padding reasons, and a car chase which has very little to do with the actual plot, Urine Scented Breath will leave you breathless and reaching for the mouthwash.

Keeping reading to see an exclusive extract from Urine Scented Breath.

The moon cast a dim glow upon the empty lane as Sarah walked, her heart heavy with despair.

While her recent breakup with Derek was a blow to her fragile self-esteem, she understood that it wasn’t her personality or looks that had driven him away. It was nothing more than her chronic piss breath. The lingering scent of piss seemed to haunt her every interaction, and she yearned for answers.

Tears welled up in her eyes, threatening to spill over and run down her soft white cheeks into her rancid, putrid and nauseating-inducing mouth. She felt utterly defeated, her desperation growing with each passing moment. As Sarah’s tears began to flow freely, her sobs echoing through the silent street, a stranger cautiously approached. He was a short, middle-aged man whose legs seemed to be as wide as they were long.

“Excuse me, miss, are you alright?” he asked, with a voice filled with empathy.
Startled by the unexpected interruption, Sarah sniffled and looked up, her tear-streaked face catching the dim light. Sarah could see through the tears that the man had kind eyes, which seemed genuinely concerned. She also noticed his weirdly shaped legs, “Why are you on your knees?” she asked through her tears.

The man looked confused, and Sarah instantly noticed the man’s incredibly abnormally shaped legs. Struggling to compose herself, she shook her head, “Sorry, I… I’m just having a difficult time. That’s all.”

“Why, what’s wrong?” asked the man, who seemed to care genuinely.
“My breath smells of piss,” blurted Sarah as more tears rolled down her soft cheeks towards her rotten, fetid mouth.

It must have been the stench that Sarah emitted upon saying the word ‘piss’ that reached the man’s nostrils as he quickly took an involuntary step back, covering his nose as he did so. “I… I see,” the stranger stammered, “I’m sorry, but I just remembered I have some… I have a meeting with…erm…. I’ve got some ironing to do.”

Sarah watched as the stranger hurriedly turned away and began vomiting into a nearby bin. The vomiting grew more vigorous and wilder as the man’s body lurched forward. After what seemed like an eternity, the man slowly stopped vomiting and began to spit out the remaining bits of sick that remained in his mouth.
“I’m sorry”, sobbed Sarah.

Unfortunately, Sarah’s words failed to have the soothing effect on the man that she had hoped for, and he began to violently throw up into the bin again, but this time, his whole body seemed to shudder with every retch.

On and on the vomiting went. Soon, Sarah stopped crying and began to stare blankly at the man, amazed at what her breath was doing to him.

Again and again, sick exited his body faster than a rabbit in an out-of-control Tesla self-driving car, and Sarah could hear a low moan coming from the man in between each heave.

“I’m so sorry”, repeated Sarah, which re-ignited the spewing all over again. “I’m not helping much, am I?” exclaimed Sarah, to which the man vomited so violently that his short legs almost left the ground.

“I think I’ll go now, ” said Sarah as the man heaved again into a bin, which was now beginning to reach its capacity.

“Yeah, I’m off now. All the best”, whispered Sarah as the man crumbled half-dead onto the cold and cooling concrete. As she made her way home, Sarah concluded that her breath was quite bad and needed help.

Or… It was a superpower that could be used to fight crime!