She Smells of Uncooked Sausage Meat was written by Iain Pelvis.

Released in 2007, She Smells of Uncooked Sausage Meat was sold extensively in Russia and Kazakhstan but failed to make any inroads elsewhere. Undeterred, Pelvis continued his aroma-based romance novels with Her Hair Smells Of Public Toilets, although this also failed to sell anywhere other than Kazakhstan, where it was developed into a six-part TV series in 2012.

At the time of writing this, She Smells Of Sausage Meat has been downloaded from Amazon over 400 times and has a rating of 2 stars.

SYNOPSIS

Keith loves sausages. Or should that be that he loved sausages?

Having been raised by a butcher, Keith always had a piece of meat of some variety in his mouth. Cuts of ham and beef were never far from Keith, and like all addictions, it started out fairly innocuously.

A couple of slices of pastrami for breakfast, a leg of chicken for a mid-morning snack, no big deal, thought Keith.

But when Keith started eating sausages, things quickly spiralled out of control until he ate four, sometimes five, sausages daily. This crippling addiction led to him losing everything.

His family, job and home were all gone due to his constant need for sausages. Fried, baked or raw, Keith didn’t care. He wanted sausages, and he wanted to eat a minimum of forty-five a week.

With his life at rock bottom and seemingly no way out, Keith goes on a sausage binge to try to end his life. While driving to his local butchers, intoxicated on sausage meat, he loses control of his car and runs over a duck and two children. While the children escape unharmed, the duck dies during a surgery procedure to replace its ruptured liver, sending Keith into despair.

Finally admitting he needs help, Keith checks into an addiction clinic. After several difficult months of cold turkey, he returns to his old self and is ready to move on with his sausage-free life.

But when Diana appears in his life, Keith falls instantly in love. The only downside is Diana, inexplicably, absolutely reeks of raw sausage meat.

Can Keith overcome his addiction once and for all and spend time with the woman he knows will bring him happiness, or will the scent of his lover send him spiralling out of control, possibly injuring another duck? 

Keep scrolling to read and exclusive extract from She Smells Of Uncooked Sausage Meat.

Keith felt his body begin to shake, and he wondered how many sausages he’d eaten so far this week.

Today was Thursday, and he estimated he’d already eaten twenty-three bacon baps… Or was it twenty-four? If he had indeed eaten twenty-four, that would mean he’d eaten around eight bacon baps per day!

Keith was losing track and feeling he was losing control, but surely, a bacon bap for his mid-afternoon snack would be okay, he thought. Either way, at least he had weened himself off his sausage addiction, and there was no going back now.

He would be fine as soon as he conquered his now-growing bacon addiction.
“Yeah, have this, then that’s it. No more”, he said aloud. He knew he was lying to himself…

“It’s okay'” he said aloud, “‘If I have five rashers today, I won’t have any tomorrow, and then I can have a couple over the weekend”‘. Keith knew he was lying to himself, and he felt a moment of shame as if something inside of him had changed. The road to a sausage-free life was more complicated than he ever envisioned.

Keith quickly distracted himself as he always did when reality knocked on his conscience. Often, his thoughts focused on wide-ranging topics such as the aroma of brown sauce or his George Foreman Grill with its easy-to-clean, dishwasher-safe nonstick grill.

But right now, all he could think of was Diana. Kind, loving, funny, sausage-scented Diana.

Keith was finally ready to admit, at least to himself, that he was falling in love with Diana. He’d loved her since the first moment their eyes met, a mere 3 or 4 seconds after Diana exited the toilet at the Burger King in town.

As Diana lent against the wall recovering from what she later described as ‘one of the closest calls she had ever experienced in shitting her pants’, Keith felt something stir in his stomach.

As it later transpired, that feeling in his belly wasn’t love. It was due to the lack of basic cleanliness in the Burger King restaurant, which resulted in a failed hygiene test a day later. Keith was actually suffering from the beginning stages of food poisoning caused by his Whopper meal.

Diana’s reaction to the chicken burger that was later discovered to be covered in tiny flecks of faeces she’d just eaten was more intense and immediate. He didn’t know it at the time, but as the smell of poo filled Diana’s nostrils, she, like Keith, felt not only the overwhelming urge to shit her entire body out of her anus in a split second again but also the feelings of love.